Letter to Jermaine

Day after day I wake up and you’re the first thing on my mind. Even as I lay myself to sleep I find myself constantly looking over my shoulders just to see if your there, hoping to catch a glimpse of your face only to see the empty stairways and vacant couches. I walk into your room everyday only to see that its empty, with your picture in a frame, hanging on the bare white walls anticipating the feeling of your presence around me only to find myself missing you more due to the absence of your presence. Your empty sneakers at the front door doesn’t help rid the feeling much either. As well as the old photos hanging all over the house. Sometimes I look at them and smile…and sometimes I just can’t help but to shed a few tears. Not a day goes by that your name isn’t mentioned. Playing games with the fam and hearing “Jermaine used to beat me in this game all the time back in the Bronx when we used to skip school.” Then planning dinner for the night and hearing “ Jermaine wanted Eggplant Parm before he left.” Or Lex messing with your things and hearing “ Don’t touch Uncle Jermaine’s poker chips baby!”…Just about everyday we pass by the funeral home and every single time I have to turn away to avoid the tears. Day in and day out I think about all the plans we made and get upset at the fact that we never got a chance to make it happen. Graduation day I stared out into the crowd only to find that your seat was empty and tears quickly filled my eyes but I forced myself to smile anyways because I knew you’d be proud that I made it. It’s so not the same without you and I hate having to live life hoping to see you in my dreams at night since I can never see you throughout my days. I’m not used to this. I even walk around the house doing things like as if you were still around…Walking through the living room and looking to the couch to smile just as if you were sitting there..Or sitting on the swings in the backyard staring at the hammocks just as if you were laying across from me staring back or washing my face and brushing my teeth just as if you were doing the same standing next to me. Sometimes I go to grab a drink in the kitchen and I swear I feel you grazing me as you walk pass…But then I stop and catch myself thinking why the hell am I making this shit up in my head to evade the reality of you not being here physically. I miss you more than words can explain and somehow I just can’t accept the fact that you’re gone, so I wont. I miss you babe and I Love You more than the words of human language could ever define. Always….